Loss and Other Deeply Distressing Experiences: What Do I Say?
It can be really hard to know what to say (and do) when someone has experienced loss or another deeply distressing/traumatic event (e.g., medical emergency, assault, traumatic birth, etc.). We don’t want to say the “wrong” thing, and some of the things we think will help can actually invalidate or minimize a person’s experience. Most of us don’t learn how to respond to loss or traumatic events in school or from our family, so we don’t always know how to cope with these experiences when they happen to us or others. Read on for some ideas on what to say and do to help someone during such a difficult time.
First, recognize that there is nothing you can do to make someone’s emotional pain disappear. Emotional pain is a natural response to loss and traumatic events, and will decrease with time and support.
You can tell someone that you are sorry for what they have experienced, and let them know that you are there to help them in any way they need (e.g., listening, helping with one of the many tasks that have to be taken care of when someone dies, getting groceries, or helping with housework/childcare, etc.).
Sometimes it is more important to sit with and listen to someone than to say much. If you yourself have experienced loss or another deeply distressing event, perhaps you can recall the power of another person witnessing your feelings without judgment. Maybe someone sat beside you or held your hand while you cried, or listened to you express your feelings with no intent to immediately resolve your pain. You can do that for a person in pain, too.
Avoid platitudes and superficial consolation. It might feel tempting to tell a person that “Everything happens for a reason.” This is more likely to anger someone than comfort them. Similarly, “at least” statements can feel invalidating and minimizing. “At least you or they are okay now,” “At least you are young enough to have more children,” “At least you were able to say goodbye before they died,” etc., etc. If you have ever been the recipient of such statements, you probably know how off-putting they can feel.
Allow the person to feel whatever they are feeling for as long as they need. There is no timeline or roadmap for healing from loss or a traumatic event. Someone might have a stronger reaction to someone’s death at the second anniversary of their loss than the first, for example. Or a strong negative feeling might emerge seemingly “out of the blue” after someone has felt better for a while.
Keep reaching out and showing up. Even if someone does not have the capacity to respond to you at all times, they will appreciate knowing that you are thinking of them and care. Show that you are there for them-through your actions and words-long after the loss or deeply distressing event.
I hope this post has helped ease worry about what to say when someone has experienced loss or a traumatic event. Know that we are all human, we have all said things at times we wish we hadn’t, and we all have the capacity to help someone in need.
